Entirely Tired

I’m just so tired.

I’m exhausted, you guys. I’m so tired of people making violent threats against a rape survivor speaking out about how she should not have to own a gun to prevent a rape when the majority of rapes happen by someone you already know.

I’m so tired of the media’s coverage of the Steubenville case and of the unrelenting focus on how devastated the perpetrators are.

I’m tired of how awful people can be when you give them anonymity (hey Internet trolls), or even just the sense–because of their status, because of their wealth, because of friends in high places–that they can “get away with anything.”

I’m tired of how awful people can be when you DON’T give them anonymity, when they’re on their own social media profiles with their own pictures and identities unhidden.

This is an older article, but it’s how I’m feeling right now–and you know what?

The specific issues or circumstances I’m tired of are completely different than the ones in this article, and that’s what makes me tired most of all.

That six months later, there’s a whole host of new examples of how we need to change our culture and our approach to sexual assault and the very idea of women as autonomous individuals with rights and interior lives and relevance and importance of their own.

Honestly, thank God that things are looking up for marriage equality, because sometimes it’s all too much. And I wonder, after another day of outraged reading, why I suddenly feel tense, why the anxiety disorder I thought I was managing is starting to dig its fingers back into me, why I feel separated from the world, swimming in adrenaline for an hour at a time for no discernible reason that pertains to what’s actively happening in my life.

We’re surrounded by this stuff and we wonder why we feel like we will not make it one more week without a sunny day or a break from it all. Daydreaming about a vacation to Gary, Indiana, if that’s where it has to be, just to escape for a little while.

It’s hard to see something you care so much about, that so deeply impacts such a large population of people, trivialized and turned on its head and even defended, not by some tiny group of psychos, but by a lot of people. A lot of people who think of themselves as decent people. A lot of people who you KNOW have women in their life that they have loved, or who ARE women themselves.

So I’m off to get my groceries, do my taxes, and cook my dinner, like anyone else in the world. Not like a woman specifically, or like a rabid feminist. I’m too tired to be rabid. Just like a person who just wants to be able to relax and to have a little faith in the world she lives in again. Who’s preaching to the choir. Who needs a rest before she can get back out there to fight the good fight that sometimes feels like it will never end.

I hope I see you in the morning.

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2 Comments

Filed under Musings

2 responses to “Entirely Tired

  1. Jacob Watson

    I love you, but please don’t go on vacation to Gary, Indiana. At least let me drive you to Wisconsin, sheesh 🙂

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