Things Not To Do To Girls (When You Want Them To Date You) (Or Even If You Don’t)

As provided from “Laura’s Book Of This Actually Happened To Women I Know Slash Me.”

1. Grab their phone out of their hands when they’re sitting down and taking a break to “see what their score is at ‘Words With Friends.'”

2. Throw a surprisingly hard ball of napkin and beer labels at their face from a foot away.

3. Tell them that you’re married but would buy them “tracts of land.”

4. Start off with “I’m in love with you.”

5. Invite them to your room to see your comic book paraphernalia (actually this one could work depending on the girl).

6. Ask about ANYTHING that has to do with “drapes.”

7. THE SURPRISE DATE. The “we have only interacted as friends but somehow this one hang-out I have decided is a date.” Please, please do not do this.

8. Get them drunk and then try to kiss them when you know they have a boyfriend.

9. Get them drunk on purpose and try anything at all.

10. Shout at them from a moving motor vehicle. Their first reaction will be, “This is the day I die.”

11.Pin them anywhere–against a wall, in a corner, even by sitting too close with your legs spread wide around their legs.

12. Just grab them. “Breaking the touch barrier” may be a part of flirting, but grabbing someone’s hands (or any other body part) suddenly and without context is just scary and weird.

13. Ask them if you should dump the girl you’re currently dating.

14. Keep pushing or make any kind of move when they say they’re not interested or are seeing someone else.

15.Talk exclusively about yourself for an hour when getting drinks, then tell your friends that you feel like you had a real connection.

16. Take hesitation or reluctance as a sign that they’re “just playing hard to get.”

17. Talk sh*t about them for twenty minutes in mixed company because you think it makes you look roguish and you don’t understand what a “jerk” is.

18. Follow them all night around the dance floor without encouragement, follow them outside, and then sit in your car with the lights on for half an hour as they wait for a cab.

19. Come sit down at their table in a restaurant when they’re sitting alone with a book.

20. And finally and most spectacularly, invent an elaborate plan for a musical, ask them to evaluate it and give advice, turn that meeting into a pseudo-date and grab their scarf WHILE IT IS AROUND THEIR NECK as they’re leaving.


Women, man. Amiright? Why wouldn’t they go for this stuff? Girls must be crazy.



Filed under Rants

4 responses to “Things Not To Do To Girls (When You Want Them To Date You) (Or Even If You Don’t)

  1. David Schraub

    I might dissent on “tracts of land”, if we’re roleplaying that it’s 1837.

  2. thomasballinger

    Hear, hear!

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