Lucky-Tough

Some days you feel supremely lucky to have what you have in life. You look around at all the things going your way you can’t help but rock a goofy grin and give the finger-gun-hey-there-sign to coworkers (come on, you know what I’m talking about) and you hum the Benny Hill theme that’s been in your head since you talked about Supermarket Sweeping your possessions last week.

Some days are tough. All you can see are the things that have gone wrong and the areas of your life in which things are missing, or you get yelled at for something that’s not your fault, and it feels like you had the muscles required to smile surgically removed during the night and all you want is to surround yourself by pillows or to have puppies tossed gently to you but then you remember that you’re allergic to puppies and pretty much everything sucks.

There is a secret. Something that they don’t tell you in graduation speeches (and how the heck is it time for those again? Todd CAN’T have  graduated a year ago. That would make me, like…old.)

This secret: Some days are BOTH. And it STILL SUCKS.

In a way, it’s secretly more sucky, because you’re having to make decisions based on either picking the better of two good things, which is hard but you don’t even really get to complain about it because people tend to be all, “Oh, well that’s a nice problem to have!” No it’s not! PROBLEMS ARE NOT NICE. Or you’re turning down things that are neutral because you’re coming from a place of privilege, which sort of amounts to the same thing, other-person-reaction-wise. “You don’t have to work this additional job for the money anymore but you feel guilty about abandoning the small business owner who will have a hard time replacing you! You’re so in demand! Why worry?”

The truth is, making choices is hard whether they’re between two evils or two goods (even between good and evil can be harder than you’d think. Ask “evening-party-Laura” and “morning-potentially-hungover-Laura” for clarification). And it’s especially hard to make a choice when it means saying “no” to someone else.

I think that’s one of my big life lessons for this year, and even knowing that–even knowing that it’s okay to change your mind or to let someone know that you need to do something for your own sanity, and that in the end it will be better that way than if you tried to accommodate whatever they’re asking for–it’s no fun and it makes you feel gross and you kind of wish you could lie about it or run away to Cozumel or just hide in your room until everyone goes away.

So dear everyone in my life with whom I ever sit down to have a serious talk about something:

It’s not you. In fact, if I didn’t care about you or what you do, I wouldn’t bother having the conversation, I would probably just kind of disappear and hope you caught the hint. I hate “the serious talk” and I’m probably like seconds from crying but I’m going to try really hard because you deserve better than to have me text you some big bomb or just avoid you forever.

You deserve to have what’s right for you, and by the Self-BFF principle, so do I, so let’s do those things and then we can catch up all the time on how our respective right things are going and it’ll be great.

That’s what 10-cent wing nights at bars were invented for.

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