New Rules

New Rule 1:

No more last minute trying to change appointments you’ve made or commitments you have.

I’m serious, guys, when I have a week scheduled within an inch of its life you can’t try to switch this stuff out on me. I haven’t had time to do laundry or get groceries this week. I haven’t been home for more than the time it takes me to sleep. I don’t have a smartphone. I made a pot roast this morning in such a rush that I spilled paprika all over everything in my kitchen so it looks like Holi in there. I have exactly the amount of time to do the things I’ve committed to in the order in which I committed to them and no more.

Lawyers working on our tax documents? No, I can’t meet with you earlier in the day on a Friday, I was pushing the limits when I said I could manipulate my work schedule to meet you at four. Friends calling me to discuss how our company can facilitate internships for you over the summer? I told you to talk to me next week, I’m not going to pick up the phone.

Why can’t you guys intuit just how busy I am right now? All I ask from my friends and associates is a little telepathy. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable.

* * *

New Rule 2: PDFs need to stop being so g-dd-mn unreasonable.

What is your problem, PDF. I spent three weeks filling you out on my laptop at home, and when I send you to a different computer so I can print you, you play hide-and-seek with me? I can click on the fields I’ve filled out and see the sums I put in there, but when I don’t select those fields they are filled with a blue veil, a sort of “peekaboo” that I can’t get around. And guess whether or not those figures I spent ages calculating print. JUST GUESS.

PDF, if you can’t learn from Word and Excel and just be the SAME THING WHEN I ATTACH YOU TO SOMETHING NEW AS YOU WERE WHEN I WORKED ON YOU then we’re going to have to talk about whether or not this relationship can continue.

* * *

New Rule 3:

Buses have to come more often when it’s below 20 degrees Farenheit.

‘Nuff said.

* * *

New Rule 4:

This is a happy one. When your birthday falls on a weekday, you get a Birth Week. Because you had to work on your birthday and no one wanted to stay up late with you, and you deserve some cake and liquor.

This one’s for you, Harrison.

* * *

New Rule 5:

Cheese and sausage now officially have all of the nutrients you need to thrive and no longer affect your levels of cholesterol or fat.

I think we’ve earned it.


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