Ain’t gonna happen.
Don’t want to.
I don’t think so.
Sometimes it’s good to practice.
I’ve been watching “The Riches,” a TV show that was on FX, with Eddie Izzard and Minnie Driver. I’m pretty much in love with it. They play Travelers, Irish-American grifters and con-artists who luck into a situation where they’re mistaken for a rich family. This show has taught me several things:
1. I want to be a feisty Southern woman who throws things when she’s pissed off.
2. You make your own family. Just kidding, I knew that already. Nice to be reminded.
3. Getting rid of people who don’t want to be gotten rid of is a lot harder than you think.
4. If you don’t know how to help someone, just say so. It’s not your duty to come up with a solution, and sometimes all they need is someone to commiserate with.
5. The ride’s not worth it if you’re not on it with the people you love and trust.
6. Dating is a con.
Think about that last one. The way women are “supposed” to behave in dating is exactly like the way a con artist behaves when pulling in a mark. You identify the mark as someone who wants something. In a con, it’s usually money; in dating, it’s companionship or sex or even just attention. You portray yourself as someone who has what that person wants, by wearing a nice suit to look well-to-do or by wearing the perfect little black dress. You engage with the person, but gently, lightly, making sure they realize that you do have the means if satisfying their greed or loneliness, but not giving what they want to them. You go away, and you know you have them on the hook when they call you. If the mark doesn’t call, (s)he wasn’t the right mark and somewhere down the line things would go wrong.
So thanks, Netflix. Between “The Riches” and “Heartbreakers,” I have a solid back-up plan for when the global economy tanks. All I’ll need is a cute dress, a laminating machine, and a smile.